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Welcome to a page of insights, feels, and randomness. I am still a human being. Though my powers come once in a while.
19, UPD, aspiring chemist, doctor and superhero

I really want to get thinner.

I understand people who say that a girl’s figure or weight do not determine who she is, because it’s true, no doubt about it. One should not really conform into everything the society renders more acceptable, beautiful or attractive.Truly, beauty is the whole package — the personality, the attitude, the principles and aspirations in life. Yes, perfect facial features and a smoking, hot body can be rendered as beautiful, but that fades in age. Who you really are makes you beautiful.  

When I went to college, I realized that face and body are not everything, so I kind of stopped being conscious about my weight, and complexion (I have a tan skin) and stopped dieting and using whitening soaps. It was fine for me to look the way I look because no one seems to notice and no one seems to care. I told myself, “Hey, this is nice. This is freedom.” And for the first time, I felt really good about myself. I ate what I want to eat, drank what I want to drink (except beer, cause I don’t really like the taste and smell). 

However, in my second year, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. It’s a condition which affects a woman’s ovulation, leading to irregular menstrual cycles. It also causes hormonal imbalance, and when not treated immediately, it may lead to diabetes and heart disease, which I am both at high risk of, since these diseases affect both sides of our family. Also, I may not get pregnant in the future, and I am also at risk of ovarian cancer.

What made PCOS easy to handle is that [aside from pills and drugs], it can be treated with proper diet and exercise. Just like that. My doctor said that when I lose wait, I wouldn’t have to take all my medications, and PCOS can actually be reversed. it would save my parents a whole lot of money and it would really benefit my health. 

However, the hard part is, it’s so freakin’ hard to lose weight. I’m that type of person who just never loses weight. I’ve been on diets. I’ve been on the gym. I have stayed away from junk food (not really) and I don’t really eat a lot. (I swear). But still, I am a 154-pound girl with blockheads and pimples and who has very poor coordination, doesn’t know how to bike, to swim, to do anything that requires stamina and energy. I have lived my childhood days inside the house, reading books and re-watching Lion King. I was not at all sporty, and the closest thing I had to any sport-related game was chess, and I even suck at it. I tried Taekwondo one summer but I didn’t finish it because of financial and time issues, since the class was really expensive and school is coming soon. 

Okay. I lack conviction. There, I said it. I am not really fully committed to lose weight. I feel like nothing’s going to change. I gave up. Sometimes there are hard, solid evidence, the weighing scale, for example, saying that I’ve lost 3 kilos. But then, when I get back home, people will say, “You got fat! Seems like college has no effect on you, eh?” Well, thank you. I want to slam the weighing scale on her face. So you get the picture. It’s very hard for me to lose weight. Once I’ve lost, like 5 pounds, and then I suddenly craved for pizza, the next day, I gained the weight I lost. It was depressing. The effort seemed to be useless. 

This is also the reason why I hate shopping for clothes. I find this blouse or jeans I really liked, but then, nothing fits me, even the largest size. When I look for belts, salesladies will always tell me that the belts are in standard sizes, meaning they can fit to anyone. I preferred buying books or school supplies instead. They just never fail me.

I also asked my Mom one time, that why is it that no one asks me out, or courts me, or just tells me that he likes me. She said that maybe they (thanks, Mom, for using the plural form) are just too shy, or they don’t think I am the type of girl who is easily pleased. But then she paused, looked me in the eye, and sighed. “Sometimes it’s about how you look.” and them BAM. Yeah. She said it. My Mom. I know she’s talking about my weight. But there was also a pang of hurt and confusion : do guys really fall for good-looking, slimmer girls, because for them, it’s cute, beautiful, hot, for that matter? Or they want someone who is actually conscious about her health, and taking care of herself?

I usually see movies about girls who have these makeovers and other beautification processes just to get the guy that she wants, or to get revenge, or to become popular so that others won’t bully them as much. These people do things because it’s what society tells them to do. Sometimes we are like that, we do things for other people. People who don’t even care. People who don’t even know the real you.

Yes. I understand people who say that your weight or how you look do not determine how beautiful you are. That you should not listen to what society says. 

Yeah, you shouldn’t, because you don’t do this for the society. You don’t do this for the bullies in school. You don’t do this for your perfectionist parents. You don’t do this for a guy who thinks you’re too fat to be with him. You don’t do this to turn heads or capture hearts. 


You owe it to yourself a good health. A long, active life. You owe it to yourself to screw the excess calories which are bad for you in the first place. You owe it to yourself to feel light (literally and figuratively) and do any activity like swimming, biking, running, cliff diving, hiking, or any other awesome adventures without feeling incapable or ashamed of yourself (or out of breath, primarily). You owe it to yourself to love yourself, and take care of your body. You owe it to yourself to wear the dress you’ve been wanting to wear, because you want to wear it. Wear it everywhere — in the streets, in school, in the house, in the bathroom, in your bed. You owe it to yourself to still run in marathons or build a treehouse even if you’re 70 years old. You owe it to yourself to die of old age rather than die of a disease. You owe it to yourself to be happy. You owe it to yourself to be who you need to be because you want it, not because they said so.

I know a lot of people may tell me I’m wrong for thinking these things, and it’s OK. I mean, we’re all entitled to your opinions. 

I owe it to myself to be happy. So tomorrow, I shall jog more, and eat less. 

Setting my alarm at 6AM. I hope I wake up on time. Damn you, Snooze button. Leave me alone. 

We don’t need the prince to slay the dragon, we’re just as capable as any man. We are the heroes of the adventure, and we can write the story on our own. (inspired by)


i followed my heart and it led me into the fridge


Lullabies, the new book by international bestselling author Lang Leav will be released September 16th, 2014. Pre-order at all major bookstores. To get a special discount now, purchase online at Amazon, and The Book Depository.